Months ago, 4 to be exact, I had a break up after a short but serious relationship. It was serious in the fact that my feelings were real for this person and although the circumstances were a bit out of the ordinary, I meant it when I said I love you. I think he meant it too. In November, however, we ended the relationship due to two major issues.
The first big issue was his; he wanted me to commit to being with him in the UK and I couldn't do that, not so early on in our relationship. I am born and raised a Charleston girl and due to my overwhelming love for family and friends there, I wasn't ready to uproot, permanently. The second issue was mine; he lost his faith and I needed (need) someone strong enough to support me in mine. There were other smaller issues, but these two were the ones that we argued most about.
In the days before the breakup, we discussed many options for our (my) future. I considered moving to be with him, I considered doing my PhD, I considered teaching...are you noticing a pattern? I considered my life and where I was heading, but I didn't consider how it would affect him. This became the basis for a later argument. My selfishness was something I never really noticed until he pointed it out, and made a huge case of it. I was hurt, but my eyes were opened to something.
In the months following the breakup, I continued to consider my life and my future (it's still something I have to figure out). I moved to Italy and pondered all my options. Would I stay in Italy, would I move home, would I go to another city and try to find my way there? I believe that things happen for a reason and I'll end up where the Lord wants me, but it's hard in the moment trying to understand what the plan is. That's been a prayer of mine for a while...let me have faith that the plan is in action...let me have faith that the Lord knows what he's doing...let me be aware of the way the Lord is working in my life so I can see the path He wants me to follow. All of this is difficult, but I am trying.
In the past few weeks I've had a more positive attitude about life and I've been even more appreciative of all that I've accomplished or had the opportunity to participate in. I've thought a lot about the x and I've said prayers for him too, because I honest to goodness want him to be happy. It's hard for me because I don't like it when people are upset with me. That may be me being selfish still, but I want people to be happy with me; I need to know things are ok between us. Unfortunately, I'm having to swallow a big pill here and accept that things are not ok with this one particular person and there isn't anything I can do about it.
I happened to notice on Facebook today that I've been removed from his "friends" list. This is something that shouldn't bother me, but despite everything, it still stings. I'm blessed in the fact that I have so many friends and family members that love me and they are blessed in the fact that most of them are moving along beginning their own families, so I praise God for that. I'm trying to go against any selfish ways I once had and just be completely happy for them...to be thankful they've found happiness and that I'm part of it, even in the smallest of ways. I hope that I can take the lessons I've learned in the past year, many of them from the x, and apply them to my life so I can continue to grow. I hope that I'll remember to hold my head high and to continue to appreciate all that life has to offer. I hope that whether or not I ever speak to the x again, he forgives me for any part I played in hurting him. I hope that the Lord will give me peace with it so I can forgive him, and myself, and move on.
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